he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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