I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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