I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
