Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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