Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
