I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
