he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
