i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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