It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
