carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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