I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
