life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
