The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
