News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
