did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
