Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
we should paint friendship bongs
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
