he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
