Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
me + whiskey = a bad person
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
