FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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