I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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