I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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