david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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