Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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