haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My vagina just recognized that song.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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