I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
