I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
