yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
