I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
