Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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