Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
