Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
