I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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