The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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