There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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