Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
