2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
