Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
There's always time for handjobs
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
