Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
