Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
