dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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