you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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