My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
