why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
