at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Congratulations! We have a period
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
