So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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