Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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