mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
