I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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