Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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