I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
